It's one of my most shameful thoughts that as days go by I still try to shake, but I continue to think I am undeserving of love. I feel so much resentment to those who have lives in which they are able to enjoy and experience love and joy with another.
I'm a little down about it today. I know I'm only 21, but I see no prospects in my future. The only guys I approach are guys who think they can use my body and throw me away like a Kleenex. It doesn't happen since I'm older and wiser, but just the fact of that's who I attract hurts me to heavens.
I feel like having a disability is a curse. It's a curse I would never trade, because I have learned so much from it, but I feel like life is so unfair in my instance. I used to just cry and ask God to take me away so I don't have to go through all of this suffering that I feel.
That's a little extreme, but you know how people think "their" problem is the worst in the world. That's how I feel. I feel and know I will never be "normal". I will always have this limp. I will always be 4'3 (the size of a kindergartener). My chin will always be slightly out of place, my left leg will always be longer the the right, and I will always be confined to using a wheelchair for short distances. That's life.
Not so bad to me. I think, is that really that makes me so much different from others? Must be so. I've heard so many nasty things towards me concerning me in relationships and it has really depleted my self esteem. One of these days, I will say eff the world and live in the world that I want to, but for right now....I just live. And that's my story.
I want to be loved so badly, but I know...I have to learn to love myself first. Go figures.
