It's raining right. Dim lights, music softly playing in the background of my car driving down the highway. Tears dripping down like a faulty water faucet, eyes big as saucers, but heart caramelized, hard as rock. So then he calls. "Turn around. Kris sweetie turn around. Talk to me" So now he's racing to catch up with me, but can never catch up, to my heart that is.

Turn around means letting down my guard and the decision to keep going means to keep my guard up, but be sadly disappointed. Decisions Decisions...

And the story is to be continued....

So let's play a little catch up.

I have a new boo, sadly he doesn't make my "Bedrock." I love the person he is. I love the gentleman he is. He is so kind, so sweet, such a gentleman. He respects my wishes and dreams, supports me in all my endeavors, BUT one thing holds me back from giving my all and my heart to him. He is boring. I'm so spontaneous, so outgoing, so out there and with him I just keep "playing it safe." I think I needed to meet him in my life to understand how I want and will learn in the future to demand how to be treated. My new boo wherever he may be will open my doors, call me just because, go to church with me, genuinely love me, and be a man because I am his girl.

But for right now, I think I just want my single life back. Sorry.

I feel bad because I didn't figure this out until AFTER we got together. It's been a week and I just know it won't work sadly. We don't have much in common other than intelligence and we just don't click. Sad, but oh so true. I'm not even physically attracted to him. It's bad when you don't even want to kiss your own boyfriend. At the end of the day I fell in love with his behavior, but not him. That's a bad place to be. But we all learn from out mistakes right?

I hate that I waited until my last year to let people know of my talents, but hey whatever goes. I actually wrote thsi poem to dedicate it to a guy that absolutely gave me the run around. Acted like he loved me. Told me the words, but his actions didn't speak the same. And I followed him like a lil puppy dog lol, until I finally saw through the fog and realized I'm not an average chick and shouldn't be treated as such. I had to kick him out my world, but not before he heard this poem.... Enjoy

He says he loves me.
He’ll say it tomorrow
Cuz he’s said it before…but
He only confesses his love behind closed doors…and
Like a vampire by day our love is no more…but
He says he loves me

See this is the story of a million and two
When you love a man
But he does NOT love you
But he loves the idea that he sees on youtube
He’s just looking for a victim and that victim is you

He told you
We’re just friends
But if yall just friends
Why are you treating him like like ya husband
His clothes in your closet, You cooking his meals
Ironing his clothes, help paying his bills
And for dessert you give him a lil cookie just to seal the deal
Cuz that man love you

See ladies we need to wake up and face the reality
That we deserve a relationship that will last for eternity
And when he claims that this relationship is
Just between you and me
That’s really him saying that he doesn’t value
Your love, your mind, or your intimacy

Then ya feelings hurt way down the line
Cuz you were playing wifey and avoided the signs
Like when he gave you that played out line
And one day told you what’s yours is mine
But when you need him he can’t even give you time of day.


But still you want to go steady
But unlike R. Kelly
It don’t seem like he’s ready…but

He’s ready for sexing and texting and rubbing you up and
Calling you at 3 o clock in the morning
Just to say what’s up
But this man loves you

But reality speaks to me and says he loves you not
Cuz “yall just friends”
Which means he’s not your man
Or have you forgot
And he just want eff every girl in the world
And girl you ain't special
And you just happened to be Tuesday’s girl.


See a man loves a woman with boundaries
That doesn’t beat around the bush
To tell that brother how to please
Her..like
Open my car doors, call me your boo,
Go to church with me, say we were meant to be, and before you explore my body you must understand my values and insecurities.
Cause you say you love me.


Ladies we’ve all been the victim of love
In fact, we’ll prolly be it again
But next time that you’re cooking and cleaning and
Screaming and feening
Ladies let that man be your future husband
And not
JUST A FRIEND.

It's 11:00 PM. I got in 15 minutes ago. My mom called me at 10:30 pm. She knew exactly where I was and who I was with. I was with the same guy. Him, his dad, and his friend picked me up. We went to his house. She called, and when I told her I was on my way home, she hung up in my face. (Side note: she told me it did not look right for me to be in the car with 5 other males. I told her it was 3 and one of them was the guy's father. She told me that is not ladylike at all.)

She really irritates me to high heavens. I guess because I am "a girl" I should be confined to my house and "home before dark". I had more freedom in hgih school, and that's saying a lot because I couldn't do anything in high school unless it was school related.

I really thinks it boils down to the sex thing. I got into it with her in January about I was on birth control therefore I MUST be having sex. Now everytime I'm out with a boy, she thinks I'm possibly having sex with that person. Especially if I am with them after dark. Oh and I'm a ho. I'ma be preggo soon I guess lol.

I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I stay in the house all day and stay on the computer I am "depressed". If I am not depressed I'm not doing anything constructive with my life. BUT she doesn't want me to get a summer job. She wants me to relax. If I go out everyday, she says I'm being "fast in the streets" and that's not ladylike.

If I stay in all day, I need to get out more. If I'm on the phone she feels is necessary to give me relationship tips. You know the ones she should have given to me growing up nto when I am 21 years old and have my own paradigm about the world.

I wish I could scream to her. I'm making good grades. I'm not having sex. Been abstinent for 7 months. Plan on keeping it that way until I'm in along term committed relationship. I'm not doing anything illegal. I don't think... lol Anyway, Not doing anything I shouldn't be doing. I am 21. I respect her wishes, but I am an adult. I should have the right for her to trust me and know that she raised me right and I will come in a decent hour and uphold the morals she taught me growing up. But I am unfortunately a 4'4.5 child. I have no say.

And she wonders why I don't come home often. Maybe once every 2 months. When I leave July 31, she prolly won't see me til Labor Day. Just being honest.

Today was the first day of school! I looked ubber kute or so I thought in my Ralph Lauren sweater I got from Christmas and pink and green accessories to match lol. SKEEEEEE-WEE! My birthday is in two days, and I honestly can't believe it. I know I'm going to take myself out if no one else does. Last year my birthday was horrible. Everyone forgot about it. My best friends were fighting each other. One friend took me out to eat, but didn't have money to pay loool so it was like, we went out to eat casually, and went back home. Even my mom forgot. She claimed she didn't but she called me at like 11 pm....

I'm a little lonely too. But with that being said, What's new? My friends all have butty buddies, boyfriends, or at least friends. I have none of the above. Like seriously. All the dudes that do talk to me are complete a**holes with one purpose in mind---getting in between the legs of as many girls as possible, including the one that probably has low self-esteem since she has a disability. Say it isn't true, and I'll tell you sadly it is. It's been told me to my face.

Living with a disability is no fun at times. Physically you don't feel so great at times. Emotionally you stay a wreck...but it's hidden from the outside view. I feel so hurt at times I won't lie, that I can't even get a guy to look at me. Others say your time will come and yada, and it will but living in the present is hell. Sometimes I just wanna be able to call someone up other than a durn female and talk. I'd love it if a guy would just once take me out to the movies so we could chill. I wish for once I could experience the dating scene instead of reading books such as The Rules, Why Men Love B****es and others that I see no purpose in reading at times, because I have yet to be able to use them on someone.

I just wish someone saw what I see in me, and break through the barriers and look at me for the person I am on the inside. I get so tired of living in a bubble. I cried last night. I'll prolly cry to night. But hopefully I won't cry forever.

--Simple

Okay aside from my normal posts of gloom and darkness, I would like to introduce a positive in your life. Ellen Fein and Sherry really did it when creating this book. it a small book full of many lessons about a man, the dating world, how you should be treated as well as how you should treat him. This book in conjunction with Why Men Marry B***** really served as an eye opener for me and my life. I remember vividly now, my boyfriend was pulling away from me, spending less time with me, and neglecting my needs. I thought he was cheating on me (he was) so guess what I did? I went out to the local Sex shop and bougth all this ish for us to "play" to rekindle our loves. Oh yes. I thougth I was so smart. I bought oils, and candles, and cards, and board games. I thought I was the smartest woman alive. he would be sure to come back to me now!! I pulled out the board game, (It was romantic and not sexual). He asked me could we skip the game and get to the sex.... I blinked uncontrolably and felt liek a fool. Luckily my sixth sense told me to end our date for that night, and I learned a lesson. I am not ehre to serve a man. I am not here to please hima nd coax him to treat me right. He shoudl be dying and longing to tlak to me, spend time with me, and treat me right. I deserve it right? Well The rules really taught me a few things, and I think it is an excellent book for anyone in the datting scene. A few tips you could learn from the book?

· Don't waste time on a fantasy relationship. You may have a good rapport with your doctor, lawyer or accountant, and you may find yourself wondering if he is interested in you romantically. How can you know for sure? If he's never asked you out, then he's not interested!
· No Call? He’s Not Interested. We know this is hard to accept, but it's not that he hasn't called because he's busy, or because you didn't smile or talk enough (or did too much). It's not that he lost your phone number. The bottom line is, if he hasn't called, he's not that interested.
· BEWARE! Love may be blind, but Rules girls are not stupid! How does he act in the relationship? Is he cheap on dates? Is he critical of you? Remember, The Rules are not about marrying the first man you are attracted to who calls you by Wednesday for Saturday night and buys you flowers. It's about marrying your own personal Mr. Right -- a man whom you love and whose character you admire and can live with.

Pick up the book today!

Step 1
I said goodbye to all my deadbeat exes. It's been almost 3 weeks since I have spoken to any one of my exes, and I am proud. Let's think baby steps here. I am the same one who was still holding on to my exes in hopes that they would come back, even though they didn't respect me or my wishes. I've been trying to say goodbye to my exes for more than a year now, but I feel that now is the time to devote my time to better things. For the year of 2009 I plan to go out more to meet new people, stop focusing so much time on "find true love", and to become a more happier person. Last Year I complained that I was really bored with life, and I think the main reasons why I was bored was because I don't ever go out and I shut myself off my staying online so much. I am going to start limiting my online time to 3 hours a day...then 2 hours...then 1 hour. I spend entirely too much time on LHCF, and relooking at old threads, a lot of my time is spent complaining about how I don't like this or this about myself. I plan to stop complaining about my life and doing something to fix t for the next year. What is your goal.

And now he calls....



It is now 7:26 and the phone rings

Once, twice, three

He's hoping I'd answer the phone

For him to say, "Will you forgive me"

I promise to be a good boy

I promise to do this

If you just let me back this time

I'll grant every wish

He voice begins to tremble

He voice turns calm and meek...

You wish i would be there for you more,