Yall... I about near cried on my birthday. I DID cry on my bday lol to myself. (I'm gangsta...they can't see me cry lool) All my friends got together and took me out to a NICE Restaurant for my day. (LOL I still had to pay though ) It was all good though I'd pay $20 any day just to have that memory again.

It was so special because it was all my friends that started out together as freshman, plus a few new ones I'm close too. I have never felt so loved. The gesture was so simple but...I dunno meant the world to me.

I remember my last birthday was a horrible one. Me and my parents were into it, all my friends forgot it was my birthday, and a whole bunch of side stuff was going on......I was already depressed at the time, and I felt like I wasn't worth anything in the world and no one cared.

I just felt so blessed to have a birthday that I will remember forever.....Because I haven't had a birthday celebration since I was prolly 12 years old.

I got gifts too!! loool I got a Bath and Body Works Wallflower (I'm in LOVE with those things and the refills) and I got a bag of all my favorite foods and candies!!! My mom bought be a small gift set of Juicy Couture Perfume (Juicy, Couture Couture, and Viva La Juicy) and she and my gma gave me some money just to make sure that if no one did anything for my bday...I could if I wanted to. (They really didn't have to do that....I don't know why I get so emotional about all this stuff...I'm up here crying about it right now...and my bday was days ago...such a crybaby)

I don't know if I had an amazing time because I claimed it last year that I would have a blast or just because, but either way I am sooooo overjoyed to have people in my life that thought about me and actually wanted to spend time with me to make my day great.

My nickname used to be KrazynKute. I've had it all of my technology based life haha. After awhile, things got old, and I changed my name to SimplyKomplex (or SimpleKomplexity)

If you look back on your life, you tend to notice many things that you never realized along the path. I know I can say that. When I look back I often think of rain and thunderstorms, but I rarely remember the rainbow that immediately follows. Funny huh?

2 Years ago....2007. 19 years old , in college, and loving it, I was in the midst of starting new parts of my life, and ending many others.

Love Life- I had just broken up with my boyfriend. My first one at that. He cheated on me with his fiance...and then cheated on both of us with a girl on campus. In the love traingle..(or rectangle) I could never see the clear points. Only curved corners. I continued to blame myself. I wished he would come back. I had it embedded in my mind that I deserved his mistreating, and despite his flaws I could change him and we could be together forever. He would be the only one, therefore I had to make the best of it.

Almost 2 years later, I look back and laugh at the times we had. What's changed? No longer do I look at my recollections with tear-drizzled sunglasses on. I see it all. I see his flaws (as well as my own) and his perfections. I have come to realize that no one deserves to be mistreated regardless of color, beauty, intellect, disability, and etc. But the person mistreated does deserve to stick up for themself and know when it's time to leave.

Happiness- A million posts have been made about the tears I have cried alone in my room. Surrounded by so many people, I always felt alone. Although, I'm not fully there, now I have realized that it is not "You against the world." It's not the pretty vs the ugly. Life is not a story of Beauty and the Beast. Disability factors should be thrown out the window because a disability is a state of mind. With all the unecessary factors thrown out, the most important one is more evident. Yourself. Sounds selfish but Me, Me, Me is the key to my happiness. Nothing more nothing less.

Words on disability- I wrote as a freshman that "I would never change the fact that I have a disability [it has helped me see the world from many perspectives and dimensions that others will never see]. Rejoicefully....that has not changed although it has yo yoed a lot throughout the past 2 years. I have come to a point of my life that I am who I am and no one can take that away from me. I walk with a limp, slowly at that, posture surgically perfect, but despite all of this, when I enter the room my head is always high and my presence is always known. And everyone has that ability. Disability or not.

Comfort- I can say I'm comfortable now. Maybe I should change my name to "Comforter" for REAL now...for other reasons. It took a long time....but I realize that materialistic things don't make me. Surprisingly I already knew that. I remember I used to walk into stores and everytime I tried on clothes I asked myself, "Does this help me look normal?" I wanted to fit in. Really high heels, makeup, and thousands of dollars later lol, I finally realized WHO THE HECK WANTS TO BE NORMAL ANYWAY?

I can walk into a place...and not wonder if everyone is watching me. (Who cares if they are?) I can treat myself (alone) to a good book, manicure, meal, movie, or etc (and not say say it's "stupid or boring") (This is a work in progress too though lool) And it's all about being comfortable with yourself. You are who you are. I no longer want to "reinvent" myself because....then...I wouldn't be...myself. And I for a fact no she's one of the most beautiful people on the inside (and a lot of the times on the out too haha) [conceited moment]

This blog could continue and continue. Just remember the most important thing. 2 years changes a lot. Life is all about change, and if you can look back and notice you haven't changed at all...you're doing something wrong. Hopefully that change is for the good.

Flaws are still evident within myself. I admit, sometimes I look at my posts and cringe lol. But, I try to no longer give them attention...I focus on the positive and some kind of the way...I guess the flaws get lonely and fade into the background. But anyway....


KrazynKute...Where is she now? She is still right here...just Simply more Komplex. The same song, but a different tune and new rules to the game.

I'm happy to be away from home right now. I think I needed some time to get away from the drama and think some things over. Well I said for my new years resolution, I was going to be more social and go out more, I was going to spend less, and I would regularly go to church. I went out Friday for drinks with some friends. It was real nice to talk to new people. Saturday I went to a Sigma party, but we left early cuz it was cold and went to get something to eat with friends, and today I went to church. I feel really good because I was able to have clean fun, I'm still staying away from my exes, and I'm working on me. I still with I had someone to talk too when I see my friends surrounded my guy friends, but I know my time is coming. For the time being, I'm just gonna have fun being me, trying to get on the right track spiritually, and make some good grades. OMG I graduate in about a year....time flies!

-Simple

The only one I can control is myself. I cannot change the thoughts, actions, and motives of others. I was a little down last night. I kept thinking why am I treated the way I am? Why am I treated with very little respect? At home, I'm still treated like a child.

My grandmother was at the house last week. She gave me $50 for Christmas. (She gives all the older kid/young adults $100 and the younger family members/children $50) Okay cool. She keeps pestering me to be sure and put my money up "so I don't lose it." She asks me repeatedly, "Should she give it to my mother to keep up for me." I'm grown...sigh. My mother later steps in and says, Kristen budgets her money very well. In fact, she paid her car note last month. I curtly looked up at her and just walked away. I pay ALL my car notes. I even put a BIG down payment on MY car. I'm talking thousands of dollars that I busted my butt all year by working TWO jobs to acquire. The only reason why my mother is a cosigner on my car is because her credit is impeccable, and I've only had credit for about 2-3 years.

My brother asked me what I was doing before I was going back to school. Any special guy? My dad replies, Who would date her? He's joking, but it's oh so real to me. He said that about prom. I cried all night after prom because I never did find a date. I even tried to pay a guy to go to prom with me, they happily declined. No one wanted to be this chick's date.

It seems like everywhere I go, I'm treated like a child. It really burns me up on the inside. I pay my own bills, I paid for me to go to school (through scholarships), My mom has not had to pay a dime because of my scholarships. But she brags constantly about having to buy me books (with money that I earned already through past scholarships)for school yada yada..and paying tutition...and how tuition is going up. She hasn't seen a bill from school in years. Prolly from her own college days.

I can't control how others treat me, but I can change how I see the world, and how I treat people. I will be 21 in 12 days. Age says nothing about "being grown", but I have considered myself to be such for a while now. To be perceived better, I will do better. I will be cautious on what I say around others. I will joke when appropriate, tkae care of things that need attention, and focus to strive for less procrastination. Hopefully next year around this same time, I won't be singing the same songof not being heard, respected, or treated as an adult. But..it all starts with me.

Happy Christmas Eve you guys!! I'm just relaxing today in my pajamas. A cake s in the oven, and I'm looking up mac n cheese recipes to figure out how to make the mac for tommrrow. I can't believe it's almost a new year. Thinking about New years Resolutions from the past, I think I'm only going to make two goals for this year. My goal is to be given the strength to "Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips." I think with this ability, a lot of my "complaints" will also be taken of. I want to be more careful with my choice of words for 2009, and become more organized mentally and physically. With these two things, I think I will be on the continued path of success.

I've already started on my organizational goal. My start a Habit in 21 days Challenge is going well. My habit was to keep my room clean, and it's been going fairly well. My room is still neat, and tidy and I feel more at ease because I know where everything is! YAY!

Well, spend time with your family today and cook a lot for me!! Merry Christmas Even hehe to all, and to all a good night.

"At other times I cover with self pity or work aimlessly through reality so.....Occasionally I choose to travel alone....but never fulfill my possibility ....so mostly I attempt to achieve balance"

I starting to love Floetry. They really had to grow on me, but their messages really come to me sometimes. I'm really feeling, "If I was a Bird" right now. It's so sensual and makes me feel so free. Sometimes I wish they I didn't have to work this hard to overcome whatever hurdles I have. I wish I could "let it rain to wash away my pain" as the song says. There are so many obstacles that we face as humans. We all are rpesented with our personal challenge, and the rules to overcome them are often unclear and not present at all. My biggest challenge is overcoming my low self esteem. It's a love hate relationship. I'm the type that can walk into a room, and after an hour everyone will know who I am. I'm a people person. I'm funny, charismatic, and present so much vitality to the equation. Even though I appear so wrong on the outside, on the inside my building blocks are crumbled and worn. I'm a very sensitive person, so over the years the taunting and yelling and emotional abuse broke down those once strong bricks. Day by day I try to rebuild the foundation though...and hopefully one day that foundation will be the key to a strong and better me.