I tried to have a heart to heart with my mom. It just made everything worse and now we are half way talking. She took it as if I was belittling her mothering skills, I took it as that she belittles me. I do not have a close relationship with my mom. I cannot tell her everything I go through....in fact I don't tell her much at all. Every since I've been a little girl, I always felt that she didn't listen to me. I felt she could care less what I had to say, and therefore I kept it to myself. It seems sometimes I just scream for her to know some things. I wish she knew how the boys in the neighborhood molested me for years, I wish she knew how I felt all in high school when I was being bullied, I wish she knew that I tried to kill myself...seriously. I wish she would lsiten to me when I say I go through depression (It runs in my fam.) I wish I could tell her about my ongoing struggles with my appearance or being accepted by my "able-bodied" peers. I wish she would listen sometimes and stop saying, "Just Pray about It." Prayer is good, and it has solved many of my problems, but sometimes a gurl just really needs to talk to her mother. I wish I could have told her when I lost my virginity or my sex life so she could have enlightened me to the real world concerning boys/men instead of just hearing "Don't have sex until you're married, and don't bring me any babies. I wished she knew about the time I was raped or the time I was continually sexually harrassed on campus. I wish she knew where that fear came from in my eyes everytime a man grabs my arm or I feel threatned. I wish she knew the things I don't talk about, but stay in the back of my mind...haunting me. I wish I didn't have that fear of talking to her without her just taking it in and months down the line use it against me to hurt my feelings. My mom is a great mother. She took care of both of her kids...by herself. She clothed me, fed me, and came to ever piano recital....but I wish she would listen to me also. Maybe I do blame things on everyone else....maybe I do put it on her to make her feel like the bad person. I know one thing. Around here.... Children should be seen not heard is a major rule around here, and to her I am still a child. Because of that....I stay silent....with silent screaming tears.
2 comments:
yeah, that made me cry. I have the same type of relationship with my mother. i will say as you get older, things will get better with "those types" of moms.
I know this is an old post. I came across your blog through LHCF. I didn't renew my membership so I don't post there but still lurk. Anyway I am sorry for what's happened to you. Maybe you can send your mother a letter something just like you wrote here. Don't give up.
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