My heart needs a Mechanic

This summertime has made me realize that some of the people whom I claim are so close to me are in fact farther on their side of the line. There are two people in my life right now that I would give my world too. I would do anything to protect and make sure these people are happy because I love them dearly, but lately I've been noticing that maybe they don't feel the same. Because of this, next school year I will focus on making more friendship that are not so one sided, and hopefully I'll end the year great.

I'm just noticing things that I never realized. It's this one guy in particular that I am krazy about. Even though I have weighed my options and I know these dude is not even in my league. Isn't very very bright, not financially stable, no long term goals, but his personality is wonderful. He is so funny and has a lot of street smarts. I love his personality and how he is so sweet and because of that I consider him a close friend. I told him how I feel about our relationship, and how I wish we would take things further. He said a mere, "Ok." Well, we live 30 minutes away from each other. I told him i would love for us to chill and hang out over the summer since we are only 20-25 minutes away from each other. He said cool.

Instead he drove 4 hours to see one of my close friends that he is clearly head over heels for but doesn't want to admit it. He has come to see me once, but only because I had something of his possession that he had left on campus. No phone calls, no texts to say hello, nada. On campus, this is a person I saw and hung out with EVERYDAY. He knew if he needed something, I would always be there. I called him a few times and told him I missed him, and I texted him to make sure he was okay. Then I got to thinking, why am I doing this again. Why am I allowing him to be my priority when I am a mere option in his life. I deserve better. I ceased the calls and texts until he decided to pick up the phone and check on me. Relationship even friendship are 50/50.

Then the other situation is my supposedly best friend. Even though I have told her she is my best friend, she has never said the same. That's cool, I understand that she probably has others that she is closer to but dang. She was my roomate for a whole summer, and I was her RA for a whole year. We spent everyday together doing God knows what and we are there for each other. Now all of a sudden, I haven't heard from her since she left campus. It's like a smack in the damn face.

I used to call her over holiday breaks, but then I realized that she never answers her phone. I used to txt her, but txts go unanswered. I finally got fed up. I texted her one day when I first got home, and just stopped after she didn't respond. I feel used. I really do. I think one of my biggest problems is that I don't like confrontations. She has done other things that I didn't agree with, btu I let it slide. I didn't like the fact that she has gone the whole mile for others, but on my birthday we really didn't do much. I had to beg her to go out with me and some other friends after I was down about not doing anything for my bday. I didn't get any gifts from my probate not even a mere congratulations, but she stayed up all night making gifts and buying things for her other summer roommate. I kidna feel the only reason why she "kept peace" with me and kept a friendship with me is because I let her drive my car to work because I knew she didn't have a way. Now that I look back, it makes you think huh. Maybe the great friendships that I think I have with people are nonexistent.

This happens every year though. It makes me look back and see what is it about me that hinders me from having strong friendships, because I haven't had any long lived ones since middle/high school. I wish someone would just tell me. Until then, I'm going to continue to enjoy my summer, learn my way around Jackson with my GPS lol, and improve on a few things before school starts in the fall.

Krissie