I'm alright.

I saw the tears roll down her eyes, while she approached me with saddened cheeks, bare feet, and screaming eyes.  I saw her from afar at first, but when she came up close my smile turned to a smile when I saw the tears running down her face. I immediately got afraid, because I've never seen her cry so hard.  I stayed calm but continually asked what happened to her. Was she okay. Did someone touch her.  Until I got to the root of the problem.... 

That's when the tables changed.  

She told me she had just told her bf that she had kissed another guy during their 2 year relationship.... You know something that I begged her to keep to herself. We talked about it, and I tried my best to calm her down, but she ran off crying and locked me from from her room. I haven't seen her since last nite despite my phone calls, gentle knocks at the door, and txts.  She'll be okay, it'll take some time. They'll be okay, because they're a beautiful couple, but what I need to ask is, "Am I okay?"

She's feet away from me bawling on a bolster, feeling like her life is over, and I'm on the other side feeling like my life has yet to begin.  I'm kind of pissed off.  I'm thinking, she has a chance to cheat on her bf.... while I get cheated on. At least she knows that he still loves her, but why don't I have anyone to love. Am I that undeserving of love?

I began to think of my ex. And think about calling him up. You know you see people true colors when you grow up and make changes.... Let a man hear the word celibate and it's just like saying hysterectomy. But I thought maybe I should go back. You know one rendezvous along the park or on top of a bridge while I forget all of my worries, and just for those few minutes stop everything around me and pretend like I am "that girl".  That girl he's truly in love with. Or maybe I should forget all my morals and common sense, and talk to the loser who tried to get me pregnant. Then I have flashbacks.  I picture me being pinned down to the bed as I scream and struggle to be saved, but only God heard me that night. And that's when the bitter taste comes to my mouth. Am I deserving of all this pain? I never thought so, but the pain I'm feeling right now I'm having second thoughts.

So as usual, I cry.  I cry so hard that the bed begins to shake.  Have you ever cried so hard, you prayed someone would call you just at that moment, to make  you feel like you weren't forgotten. Yeah it was one of those nights. Then I remembered that no one cares about my problems....especially @ 3am. I got up, dried my tears said f--- the world and went to sleep.  And here I am today.  Saddened cheeks, bawling eyes, and a crooked smile....but to everyone else, I'm alright.