Yeah Yeah....Life Goes On...But VDAY Sucks

I broke All of the Rules today.

I've been really down. I hate Valentine's Day. It always leaves me depressed because I see myself alone forever. I know it's possible, and it really scares me. It just seems how the cards are being played....I'm not Lady Luck tonight...or tomorrow....

All my friends are in long term relationships or have SOMEONE to spend VDAY with. I'm the only one here at the school so I spent time with my friend guy (that I hate because I think he's borderline Mentally Retarted). He kept doing stupid ish..... The whole time on our date all I could think about is my ex. I really miss him. 

My date asked me what's the weirdest food I'd ever eaten.... I said ostrich. I almost cried because on my first and last Valentine's Day my boyfriend cooked me ostrich and duck and some other sentimental stuff. He's a chef. I tried to shake it off. I asked my date to reply to his own question. He said the weirdest thing he has ever eaten was a leaf.  I said....yeah you were like in Kindergarten right? He was like nawww I did that a few years ago. Someone paid me to do it, but it got caught in my throat and everyone laughed at me . So all I'm thinking about is that I'm with the retard because not one guy talks to me on even a friend level like that unless he wants to have relations....while my heart is somewhere else.

My ex... he was my only relationship really. ...so being the dumb blond I am...I txted him and told him that I miss him. He told me he misses me too and I should sneak out to have sex with him.........I didn't. He cares nothing about me. Just my body. I stood my ground and he backed off, but claim I only txt him to torture him because I know he wants to have sex with me but I won't let him do it. I continued to complain about my Valentine, and we laughed it off. 

The next day me and ole dude went to Walmart. Guess who I see? My ex. With the girl he claimed that he didn't cheat on me with. Holding hands and looking wonderful. She couldn't even look me in the eyes. She goes to school here, and she knew me and my guy were dating when he cheated. He came up to me and hugged me close and we spoke for a few minutes. I couldn't even breathe. Something about seeing him with her, and realizing it will NEVER be me again......I thought I was going to faint in the store.

Ole Retard Mr. Valentine started something about shooting bazookas at the guy after I told him it was my ex. Made gun noises and everything in the middle of Walmart. I didn't even care just as long as I could get outta there. I called me friend sobbing....but I grabbed my composure cuz I really don't want to ruin anyone elses day because of my usual feelings. Sooo I dropped ole dude off....went to see my best friend...

Saw a kute guy. In attempts to make me feel better, she says I should say hey to this kute dude we see at the apartment complex. What do I have to lose? He politely speaks. I get out of my car and talk to him.....he asks me for my friends number instead. *sigh* Happy Valentine's Day to me.

Another guy to her list and zero to mine. Well....I left cuz she had to get ready for her date. She's now out on the town...so I'm back home.....

I give up. It's not that right thing to think, but I don't think I'm good enough. Right now I don't feel pretty enough, confident enough, apparently able bodied enough, or just enough. I felt so bad. I stood in the mirror and just wished I could be on that Swan show or whatever. Change my whole outer appearance. Gain a few inches. Maybe then I would get noticed.... . When I was younger my mother always asked me to wait on dating until I was of age. Now I am of age and still no one would even give me a chance with a ten foot pole. *sigh* I wish people would see the person I see in the mirror.....on my good days.

Oh and congrats to my bff. She's engaged!!