Lately, I have been praying for a relationship. If not a relationship, I have been praying for someone to talk to. I find myself lonely at night and when my friends are gone on dates or whatever. I've been praying that God will send someone who can look inside the beautiful person I am, and look past my physical imperfections. I had a revelation the other day. Maybe we as humans should not pray to make the world perfect, but make us perfect within the Lord so everything around us will become pure and "perfect" also. Makes sense? For instance. Instead of asking God for a relationship, I now pray that he gives me the strength to make me a pure person inside and out and make me as he wants me to be and from there everything will fall in place.
Man...I've grown so much over a year. Im not afraid to admit about a year ago, I believed there was no God. I was afraid of telling anyone about this to get proper guidance, because they would be sure to look down upon me. I asked my mother, "What if God wasn't real?" All I got was a don't you EVER question God while going to a lot of bible studies and church sessions for a month. That didn't help the problem, and things were building up my positivity in what I was saying.
I was sick. I wasn't too much getting any better. I couldn't walk long distances, my bones were hurting me, I got two weak spots in my legs for some reason, I sprung my arm... everything was going wrong. My seizures felt like they were coming back, I was stressed, I was depressed...I was at a very low point. So I say to God, "If you are real....why do you let horrible stuff happen to me? You let me get so down that I contemplate killing myself. You let me cry and cry and not be heard. You let me stay alone and not find a guy. I'm not doing all that great in school...yada yada.
I had a dream the next day. I was continually falling...in this deep dark hole. I kept trying to grasp onto something to not fall, but I saw nothing. All I could hear was, "You don't listen". I started to fight and fight to gain stability, but it never happened. I woke up in the middle of the night, frightened and alone.
I started praying about it everyday. I asked God to help me get away from those who were bad influences in my life. I prayed for my friends and family and most importantly myself. I also helped myself. You can't put it all on God. He'll go 50% but dang...you gotta give at least 30% and have the ounce of faith that it can happen. I went out more, I talked to more people, exercised, and stayed on top of my health.
I haven't felt too bad since. No seizures. The weak spot in my leg is about gone except on a few days. I can walk longer distances now. I lost some friends, but gained better ones. My "dream" was the first time I woke up....and ever since then, I've been waking up everyday.
2 comments:
Hey!
I recognize you from LHCF :) (I've been 'lurking' there...unpaid... and growing my hair since before you changed your screen name the first time). Your posts there have tickled me 'sometimes'.
Anyway, I'm REALLY glad that you got to have a birthday celebration. I read your original post a couple of days ago (...didn't get to post then-sorry...) and felt so sad b/c I could relate.
Keep your head up during these tough times. People might leave your side...maybe for a season...maybe ultimately. But, it's all for God's Purpose. People might judge you too (I also read the posts about your parents). But,
all you can do is be respectful and try to please God, NOT people. You could put all of your energies into people pleasing which will just wear you out and those folk will still be unpleased. Trust me, I know from experience.
I also know about going through that lonliness thing too. Once again...think seasons...and focus on appreciating what and who is around that actually brings joy and progress to your life instead of ultimately bringing you down. I've been through it and am going through it now. I too have been through soooooo many tragedies in my life. It's not easy. And, I do struggle. But, at the end of the day, it's not worth missing the real meaning of life because of it.
HTH! (...you know the lingo, hope that helps)!
Take care and be happy. :)
p.s. A tequilla sunrise was one of my first 21 y/o drinks too. :) I've been meaning to get another one ever since. Oh, and try an amaretto sour. Those are tasty too.
Oops! I meant to put the quote marks around the word tickled and not the word sometimes.
You really do have a good sense of humor!
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